Tantrums 3: Before

 This sample conversation is not the answer to making a tantrum a learning opportunity but a piece of it.  The most important piece is how you view a tantrum, as discussed in Tantrums 1 & 2.  

Remember, a tantrum is a drama initiated by your child.  You either add to your child's script, or begin an alternative dramatic "story." This sample conversation (not lecture), before the next tantrum, is a new script and you are the author of it.  You can make it exciting.  One important tip: whenever you ask your child a question, wait for an answer, whether it is verbal or physical (nodding, smiling, frowning, crying - consider that these are all acceptable answers to your question).

Sometime when you have a few minutes with your child, Sarah (four years of age):

You smile and get down on the floor.  You look at Sarah for a few seconds.

You: Sarah, come sit with me for a few minutes, okay? (Open your lap and arms.)

Sarah looks at you and walks over to you. She sits in your lap or snuggles up to you, or sits next to you. (If she appears not interested, skip to the addendum at the end.)

You: "Thanks, sweetie."  You make eye contact.  "I love you, you know?"

Sarah is silent but present, or nods "Uh-huh."

You: "Remember yesterday when we were at the grocery store, and you wanted a candy bar?"

Sarah nods.  You continue. "I said, 'No' ... and then what happened?"

Sarah might smile and describe her reaction, or might not say anything - it depends on how open she feels she can be with you about it.  If she says, "Nothing ...", then you know she is not comfortable talking about it.  But don't back up, just say, "Well, it's okay that you did what you did ... I still love you." Now you, in a non-threatening way, just describe her behavior. For example:

You: "You grabbed a candy bar, and I grabbed your arm to take the candy bar out, and I said, 'NO!' And I think I was mad. What do you think?"

Tantrums- Part 2

If you haven't done so, be sure and read Part 1, and if you have any questions about that part, please e-mail me or ask in the Comments below the blog entry.

Our young children are drawn into the dramas of everyday living - just as you and I are.  A tantrum creates drama, getting our attention and then we play our part. (What we call "mis"-behavior is another way they get and maintain our attention via drama.)  Children learn to create drama very early - both by watching how we do it, and by experimenting (to see if they can do better!).  We misinterpret their "mis"-behavior, trivializing it, when we say, "Oh, s/he just wants my attention."  S/he usually is looking for way more than that, and may not know what specifically s/he is wanting.  But whatever, s/he must get our attention first.  The tantrum-drama is very effective: it gets everyone's attention and participation: yours, siblings, passers-by, other shoppers, etc. 

Our parenting job then is this: have our child learn that tantrums are not a viable way to get what s/he wants from us in the moment (other than our brief attention.  And if tantrums are persisting, then s/he has already learned that they they work in some way: we have either given our child what s/he has demanded or have not yet met some other below-the-surface inner need.

Once you adopt this view of what a tantrum is, and see your role in it, you can then begin to have tantrums become a very, very valuable opportunity for learning and practicing extraordinary social skills. After all, the toughest social moments we face as adults are when we or others are upset.

There are three time periods in which to have certain conversations to turn tantrums around:

1. before the next one,
2. when the next one happens, and
3. right after the next one is over.    

The next blog will be an example or two of possible conversations you can have with your young child before his or her next one - what works about them and what doesn't, what they mean, and what alternatives that will work better for both him or her and for you.

In the meantime: If a tantrum happens this week, smile at your child. No, really.  Do as little as necessary and do your best to ignore it, but what ever you feel you have to do, smile as you do it and don't say anything. Just keep watching what happens. (If you have to move or restrain your child, just say what you are going to do first, and use as little force as necessary.) If you do have the opportunity to try this, please share in a Comment!!

Yours, Marty

Tantrums- Part 1

What learning opportunity does a tantrum present?  Several really good ones, depending on how you handle it.

What is a tantrum?  A tantrum is a legitimate experiment or learned strategy in an attempt to get something wanted or needed.  (And, by the way, it is not restricted to children!)

If that definition is accurate, then: When we (the parent) have no response to a tantrum, the tantrum cannot work and the child will no longer use it.

But what about in public?  When circumstances require a response, such as in public, use the least amount of force to remove the child from the situation to a private or more private area.

What if you are upset with your child?  Let your upset pass before any further interaction.  The key to this is knowing that you are having a tantrum yourself.  Accepting being upset (you are human, yes?) in front of your child, and letting it pass (a human can do this too, but it is not commonly done automatically), is super role-modeling.  It is not so hard when you realize that everyone has tantrums (by design).  Get it?

Here is the point about this:  When a child sees that s/he cannot lose your love and support when having a tantrum, s/he can then focus on what is to be gained by not having a tantrum.

Easier said than done, yes?  Yes, and why? Because we, the parent, usually typically have a meltdown ourselves when our child has a tantrum in publc. In those moments, our child experiences losing our love support.  So let's shorten those moments, have our meltdown, and then pull ourselves together: breathe, focus, and realize that our child's tantrum provides a wonderful opportunity for us to demonstrate (role-model) effective human behavior.  The next few blogs will cover some really neat territory.

Happy New Year!!!      Marty

The Truth, Santa, and other stories

It is that time of year ... it is almost Christmastime (as well as Winter Solstice, Chanukka, etc.) and all kinds of images and dressed up Santa Clauses are appearing in storefronts, magazines, TV, etc. But, oh my ... what if my child asks me if Santa is real? What will happen if I tell the truth (which I want my child to do) and say, "No." Will she be upset? Will he be mad at me for lying (one of many ways we parents do lie to our children)? Will my child ever forgive me for misleading him or her?

Click to read more ...

How Much? Eating & Choice

Sometimes getting very young children to eat enough is a concern of parents. In an article in the local news, Dr. Anthony Komaroff (Ask Dr. K: Let children choose how much to eat), advises letting your children choose how much to eat, starting very young.  He informs us about the normal eating "rhythms" of appetite, of which I wasn't aware, and underscores the amazing ability for self-regulation we are all born with.  

But his advice gives your child a great deal more than good food regulation. It lets your child stay in tune with his or her own body needs and sensations, and builds self-awareness and self-confidence. When this is allowed to continue to develop, rather than being overridden by our normal parental concerns (many of which originate in our own early childhoods), our child's ability to sense what his or her body needs becomes stronger.  This awareness can negate the impact junk food advertising and tendencies toward obesity, boulimia, diabetes, and who knows what else?  

Healthy food is tasty.  That can be discovered, if it is not pushed on children and is eaten as the norm in his or her family.  Appropriate amounts of nutritious food, clean air and water (determined by our own bodies rather than the media and misleading food labeling), along with love, support and appreciation, is a path to lifelong health you can put your child on now. This is especially easy to do when he or she is very young: just do it rather than "teach" it.  There is no extra teaching/lecturing needed, but be open to learning new things about food and health along with your child. (E.g., together, watch the documentary "Dirt!")

By the way, are you familiar with Komaroff's Harvard Medical School Family Health Guide?  If so, what do you think of it?