Learning to Behave vs. Learning to Belong

I started a post on an almost completely different topic and got right into behavioral learning.  I'll get back to the original impetus for that discussion next week.  So I'll talk about early learning first, which is usually what I am thinking about when I post or write.

Young child behave as scientists - exploring, sensing, experimenting, and predicting - but without having specific goals, grades, grants, or other rewards in mind. Their experimenting and exploring is their learning, and it is an evolutionary drive to survive and belong.  Behavioral problems arise, however. Some are due to safety and health issues (rather straightforward to deal with as a parent), but also due to our adopted parental expectations of what they should or shouldn't be doing other than their seemingly "free play."  The bottom line is, they can't control this drive to experiment, and it butts up against a second innate drive - the one for belonging - being loved unconditionally (meaning being loved for who they are) rather than conditionally (meaning being loved for what they do or don't do).

What happens when our babies become two, three, and four?  We parents then, naturally, begin having expectations that they will do what we think they should, if we teach them.  So we become teachers, thinking that teaching others how to behave works, and that is a good distraction from noticing they do what we do, not what we teach.  And when our young children don't seem to be learning (meaning, in this case, doing or not doing what we want), we have about a dozen strategies we will use, and all usually starting the same way. Our first reaction, and one that causes learning problems is this: we get upset with them and we act as if (communicate) something is wrong.  Our child then gets a message that something is wrong, and, from a child's view, it is his or her fault even if we try to explain it isn't.  

The problem is not that we get upset. We can't help getting upset any more than our child can help experimenting and testing boundaries or can stop trying to get our love and support.  The problem is that we think we should not get upset, and they should not get upset, and that means we have bad kids or we are bad parents. Whether we believe that or not is less important than the message that we give our child.  Try on this alternative view resulting in an alternative communicated meaning.

Emotionally healthy human beings get upset when they do not get what they want or expect.  It doesn't matter whether they are adults or children.  That is all you need to know about it.  It is true, isn't it?  You don't need a degree in psychology to know this.  (Upsets are expressed in a wide range of behaviors - from getting quiet and resentful, to disrespectful or hurtful comments, all the way to being violent physical outbursts.)

Now if you can let yourself see it that way, at least for the moment - that human beings' upsets get triggered like thunderstorms - then you can let upsets pass like thunderstorms do (it takes the chemicals that get released and cause our emotional expression about 90 seconds to dissappate, unless an argument ensues, keeping them going).  (Hmm ... didn't human beings once think that thunderstorms meant they did something bad?)  Once it has passed, then its time to repair that momentary apparent loss of love and support.  (Come on, you don't feel loved and supported by any person when they are upset with you, do you? Neither does your child, especially when it's you who is upset - the most important person in your child's life).  

It's easy for you to repair and re-contextualize this with your young child.  Using language, both verbal and physical - just say what happened. No fault, no blame, no guilt, no reason (expcept you didn't get what you wanted or expected).  "Billy, I really was upset when you pinched your baby sister, wasn't I?  I yelled at you, didn't I?"  Stop and listen. "Billy, you didn't do anything wrong and you aren't bad for what you did."  See how Billy looks.  You can tell if he is feeling bad, can't you?  If he is, reassure him. "You look like you feel bad, and no wonder.  Whenever I got yelled at when I was little, I was sure I did something wrong.  But you know what?  I love you no matter what you do."  Now show it - smile, give a hug, whatever.  

Once Billy is back in your loving presence, NOW you have a opportunity for behavioral learning.  "Billy, even though you aren't a bad boy for pinching Sara, it doesn't work in our family to hurt each other.  My job - you know, I am the mom [smile - this is not a lecture or a heavy moment, this is about relating] - is to love everyone in my family and help everyone one of us be (and feel) safe with each other.  Would you be willing to help me do that?"  Stop and listen for the answer (but if you restored your love in Billy's world, how could he say no?).  When he says "yes," then say, "Thank you, Billy. You and I are partners. Sara won't feel safe around you if you hurt her - that's why that doesn't work.  And by the way, great people sometimes do things that don't work.  That is how we all learn."  

Now Billy has a meaningful choice.  That is, he doesn't have to worry about losing his mother's love and so he (his cortex) can instead begin to see the difference he makes with his sister Sara, one way or another.  His urge to belong and be social will guide him in what works and what doesn't.  And because he is also beginning to learn he is loved unconditionally, he will know what that really means.  He will not need to develop compensatory behaviors to try to get or feel worthy of love or even just to get attention.

Obviously this kind of learning is a process for both Billy and mom.  Some Billys or Saras will decline mom's request, and there are great ways to make that a learning opportunity, too.  And Billy will almost certainly test (experiment with) his mom's statements. If mom passes the test a few times, Billy will lead a transformed life.  And if mom fails the test, then she can go back and make the correction: "Oops ... I goofed, Billy.  I think I made you feel bad and wrong for pinching Sara again.  I'm sorry you felt that way, but I'm not sorry I stopped you from doing it." Pause. "So, now I'm not upset any more, and even though I was, I still love you and will always love you. Being upset does not mean I don't love you.  I just means I'm upset."  [Look in his eyes when saying this] "Do you get that I love you?"  "Good.  Now, since you said you wouldn't pinch Sara anymore and you did ..."  Now have a conversation to set up a consequence.

This is the heart of my work.  So now you know.     Love, Marty

P.S. A word about older children: the same idea, but you have more to clean up and give up with them before they will really listen to you.  It is not really hard once you see what you could give up.

Monkey See, Monkey Do ...

... but what about human beings?  [This is related to last week's blog addressing the usefulness teaching as a parental activity - not!.]

I was playing guitar at an event with my band, Streetbeets, promoting environmental responsibility and health.  A parent in the front row commented on a speaker's talk, and said, "We need to get our children more involved in gardening and in the dirt."  I agree, except that our focus on "getting our children to" do anything frequently backfires.  Have you ever noticed that children do what their parents do?  Doesn't that actually make child-rearing easier and potentially more fun?  I mean for you. No need to worry about what other parents do and don't do, just do what you love and want to do.  And make a lot of invitations to people of all ages to join in, and appreciate them whether they do or don't.

"The trick in parenting is to set aside what we think our children should and shouldn't do long enough to get that our children will do what makes life better for all of us. That's what they are designed to do."  Marty

We explore this idea in depth in my workshop, Beyond Good Parenting.

Early Reading: Learning vs Teaching

Our children are born with the most amazing potential.  The following quote is from the book, The Scientist in the Crib (Gopnik, et al):

      “But in fact, what we see in the crib is the greatest mind that has ever existed, 

                  the most powerful learning machine in the universe.”

Our children's brains are designed to distinguish patterns and link those patterns into useful and meaningful experience, using all five (at least) senses at the same time.  A dog, a tree, a printed alphabetic letter, a word, even a phrase, is just another pattern.  And linked to each pattern is all other sensory information: what is heard, what is felt, what is smelled and tasted, and what behavior of others occurs.

Learning to read written words is just that simple, and easier than learning to talk. There are two reasons why all our children don't learn to read easily and early. The first reason is this: our children hear our words over and over and learn our spoken language just in the process of conversation.  But our young children don't see the words clearly when we speak with any regularity.  There is not much opportunity for them.  The second reason reading is a persistent issue in schools is that we attempt to teach them to read, and the way we attempt to do this.

Teaching a young child (under three or four) to read is considered inappropriate, and I agree. But not because they cannot learn to read, or don't understand what they are reading (what's to understand from both hearing and seeing the word "mommy"?), or won't enjoy the process.

Teaching, as our school experience has informed us, has added several unnecessary aspects that undermine not only the learning process but the relationship between teacher and child student.  As parents who want our children to get a good education, we adopt the teaching methods we were schooled in (literally).  First of these is attachment to testing, our wanting to know: is she learning? Can she remember the answers? Having been a parent and a teacher, I can say we know when our children are learning, and if we don't, then we either are not paying attention or we have too many children.  

The second is related to the first, and though usually under our adult radar, it is clearly on our child's radar: we are happy and approve when they give us the right answers back, and show concern or disapproval in our face and bodies, and correct them when they don't.  

A third issue is our automatic propensity to compare our child's progress to another child's or to some standard, also a result of our upbringing and schooling. Each of these tend to not only inhibit learning but create but barriers to our child's sense of being loved unconditionally and thus, belonging.

Learning is a naturally satisfying human activity - for anyone of any age.  If a child isn't interested in learning what we want them to learn at any particular time, as a parent, let that be our problem, not our child's.  As our problem, we can learn new ways to assist our children on their journey to and through adulthood with the important fringe benefit of enhancing our experience of parenting success and satisfaction.

My recommendation?  As parents, let's leave the school-type teaching to teachers and schools. Our role is to explain to our children how school works - openly and honestly - and not just send them to school and tell them they should get good grades. At the same time, realize that we can provide many learning opportunities for them ourselves - without teaching. Learning happens naturally and most effectively in an environment of unconditional love, acceptance, and support. Our children will learn, and learn well, and enjoy the process, and so will we as parents. Having our children learn to navigate successfully through whatever school, classroom, or teaching experience they may themselves is no small payoff.  Trust.

Note: this blog was stimulated by an article in today's NYT op-ed page, "A Very Pricey Pineapple," by Gail Collins. Educational companies like Pearson benefit from outdated and downright destructive educational methodologies that guarantee that many children will continue to be left behind the pack, and the pack leaders will lack the creativity and the leadership skills to end our long-standing human problem of those left behind: the hungry and those trapped in poverty.

Keeping Our Kids from Harm?

"Of course," we might say.  But are we doing that?

Carolyn and I just finished watching the documentary, Forks Over Knives (FOK). It wasn't just informational - it inspired us to make some dietary changes, and the immediate results were some really tasty meals (including the best cookies I've eaten in a long time - I'll post the recipe as soon as Carolyn finishes her notes).  

It inspired me to also address our most important job as parents: keeping our children safe and healthy. And our influence doesn't end when they leave home. The choices we make in our families today and tomorrow (literally), impact our children's future health, both physically, emotionally, and economically.  And, by the way, this is NOT about teaching.  It is about our living, right now, every day.  

"Neurons that fire together, wire together"  

Likely you've heard this.  What does this mean, with regard to future health and health costs? It means that what you and I grow up eating on a regular basis is what we tend to end up eating (liking) once we are adults. Consider that we quite naturally develop eating and tasting habits - what we are attracted to as well as what we avoid. 

It pays off BIG to educate ourselves, parents, about food, nutrition, production, labeling, and advertising. If you don't (and you certainly don't have to), you are ignoring something as important as ignoring it when your child is starting to run into a busy street.  Our children's short term and long term physical and economic health is being determined by our daily decisions. There are a lot of opinions out there, and some critique FOK, so do some investigating, and keep up-to-date.  You will find that our parental dietary choices, influenced by our parents, can make a huge difference in our children's live.  And encourage your older children to help with the research!

Eat well, eat healthy, and lower your health bills. Increase your satisfaction and success as a parent in this area, AND enjoy delicious meals - together.

Love, Marty

Designing Parenting 2

Following up on last post, and using (stealing) more from Change by Design, by Tim Brown, CEO of IDEO.

If we were to consider a family as a creative team (which I highly recommend), and you are the CEO, consider the following:

I modified Tim Brown's rules from his book, making them consistent contextually with the paradigm in my book, Beyond Good Parenting.  I did two things: First, I eliminated the words "should/shouldn't" in order to help shift it from a new "right" thing to do into a context of workability (does it work or not, rather than is it right or not?).  I then re-contextualized the "rules" into "tools," which also will work well in this case (see "Rules to Tools" story under excerpts from the book):

1. The best ideas for family life emerge when both parents and children are given opportunities and encouragement to experiment, and then have an open discussion (dialogue).
2. Parents and children have equally valid exposure to what is working and what isn't to be fully motivated to make a contribution to the quality of family life experience (parents, obviously, have more experience and are the pre-designated leaders; having equally valid exposure, and thus feedback, to the family experience doesn't mean having equally valid solutions).
3. Ideas that are considered or favored based on who creates them are unlikely to be adopted and undermine the creative participation.
4. Ideas that create a buzz are more likely to be adopted and used (no matter who proposes them).
5. An articulated list of values (e.g., respect, generosity, support, taking care of each other, etc.) gives all family members a sense of direction, relieving anyone from feeling pressure for either being supervised or being in the role of a supervisor. 
6. Parents role is to tend, prune, and harvest ideas (aka the role of evaluating real world risk with regard to safety, health, social, legal, and any other workability ramifications).

How do we do this successfully, ending up with something real and lasting value in our family?   

• First, just like a business would do, we articulate what our vision or values: e.g., respecting each other's worth, being generous, taking care our environment, expressing appreciation, forgiving, etc.  
• We ask and answer the questions: what is working and what isn't? For example: what makes you love being together, and what makes you want to go away? What is it like to help with or do the dishes, or clean a room, feed the cat? Or what is it like to have to go to bed at whatever time bedtime is?  For parents, we might want more (or even some) appreciation, cooperation, or an occasional hug, or share what's it like to be around a lot of whining. Or a willingness for our children to help out or be responsible for something - with a positive attitude.

How could we implement such a plan?  Try giving up seeing a parent's role as a traditional teacher or boss, but without giving up being responsible and accountable as a person. It begins with trying on a new set of lenses, through which we see our children as potential partners, amazing learners, and committed to the same things we are (a view hidden by the behaviors they've adopted in their attempts to be able to explore and experiment on their own without losing our love and support).

Yes, you can start this now, no matter the age of your child. If he or she is young, by the time teen-hood is reached you will be thrilled rather than apprehensive (or downright terrified!). If your child is already or nearly a teen, and this whole idea seems naive, it just means backing up, cleaning up, and beginning again.