About Consequences

 When we struggle with following through on consequences we have set up, it is because we (inadvertently) are trying to "force" something, and the consequence occurs as a punishment both for our child and ourself (even when we do our best to be cool when we set it up).

An authentic consequence can be a learning opportunity, and is very rewarding for a parent.  And it feels good, too (although our child may not like having it).  I discovered this when I couldn't figure out why the consequences I was using not only didn't work all that well, but I frequently felt less close to my child and unsatisfied. I looked up the dictionary definition of both (after being in early childhood education for 10 years at the time!). 

 - def: That which is known to follow from a preceding action.

That is all that a consequence is.  It is not an attempt to control another's behavior (look up "punishment" for that!).  But when our consequences aren't working, perhaps that is why. It seems that is what we have been taught to use consequences for, isn't it? 

Here is an analogy:  if you want to go from one room to another, you walk through a open doorway, not the wall.  If you don't, there will be a consequence - bump!  You don't get to go through the wall.  You didn't do anything bad or wrong, and no one needs to teach or lecture you.  And you might experience some pain, but that isn't necessary for learning to happen (in fact, pain or threat of loss can inhibit our perception, and thus can obscure the difference between a wall and a doorway). The wall, by the way, didn't do anything.  It isn't trying to teach you anything, it doesn't require you to be nice, it's not mad at you, and it has nothing to forgive you for (it doesn't even like you!).  But the most important thing to notice is that you aren't likely to walk into it the next time.

Of course there is a big difference between you and a wall - you are, in a sense, the wall as well as the most important person in your child's life.  It's works to be a loving wall, just be sure you don't stop being the wall. The consequence is for your child to learn to choose behavior that works him- or herself.  A consequence is for what your child does, and your unconditional love is for who your child is.  

Finally, and this is important: a consequence is known to follow from a preceding action. Set each one up ahead of time for a specific situation.  Springing consequences on our children is like ... uh ... well ... what's it like when your spouse or boss springs one on you?  It causes a break in your relationship and slows down creativity, communication, and learning.

Questions?  Ask me.     Marty

Comments

[Older Mom]

Hi there,

What's up, just wanted to tell you, I loved this post? It just so very helpful. Keep on posting!