About Responsibility ...

I'm enjoying the discussion on LinkedIn on how to teach our children responsibility. I hope I didn't disturb too many folks when I say that responsibility cannot be taught. And of course then we need to discuss consequences, so I'll start there (all this is covered in my workshop, Beyond Good Parenting, by the way).

So although I say that responsibility is not something that can be taught, it is something that can be not only valuable to learn, but rewarding to learn.  Responsibility is best learned when it is willingly accepted, and then the learning just happens (especially when parental support is offered rather than forced, and love is present no matter what).  There is certainly nothing wrong with having required chores for children.  But thinking that giving non-optional chores "teaches" responsibility is a big leap.  Children might learn responsibility when they have no choice in the matter of what a parent wants them to do, but they also may not.  Maybe they are learning something else.  For example, in my opinion, a child may learn to want to avoid responsibility, either through inadvertent messages given from us or through an ongoing unpleasant personal experience.  Then something went awry.

Once I addressed taking on a specific responsibility for something as optional, my preschoolers (yes, older three and four year olds!) were hungry for more and more responsibility.  This "new" way also included some work I had done on what consequences are, and I will say more about that in the next post.  In the meantime, look up consequence and punishment in the dictionary, and consider the difference in the light of your own experience in life and growing up.

Have a great week!      Marty