I Interrupt this Tantrum Discussion ..
Tuesday, February 7, 2012 at 5:38PM ... with a short piece on how children learn to be responsible, meaning "choose to do something and then do it, which may include getting help or support." True responsibility cannot be forced or pushed on someone against their will - it will backfire (if not immediately, then later). So how do we get our children to be responsible for something they are not willing or able to be responsible for, especially when it affects their health and well-being or makes life easier for you, the parent?
EXAMPLE 1 (role-modeling a respectful request)
Parent: "Jimmy, would you be willing to empty and clean your lunchbox when you get home from school? That would be a big help and I'd appreciate it. Keeping your lunchbox clean keeps it from getting stinky and unhealthy."
Jimmy: "No."
Parent: "Okay. Then I will keep being responsible for it getting cleaned. You know I love you either way, right?"
In this case, you role-model that it is valuable to do and you are responsible. If you complain about it, then your child learns that being responsible is no fun and not worth it.
EXAMPLE 2
If, however, you want to be sure Jimmy does it even though he doesn't want to, (more likely what you might want in an older child), that's fine. You go back to Jimmy.
Parent: "Jimmy, here is a job I am giving you to do. The job is to clean your lunchbox out every day. I'm going to depend on you doing that even though you don't want to. That way it takes me less time to get your lunch ready for tomorrow. So if you don't clean it out when you (or by the time I) get home, then no computer games (or whatever) that evening. That's the way we are going to be sure it is clean."
If Jimmy whines, complains, rebels ... no matter. Love him anyway: tell him and show it. Withholding our love and support never helps learning in any situation. Don't we all whine and complain at least sometimes about our responsibilities?
If he does does his job under threat of losing computer time, that is no problem unless you withhold your love and support in the process. You can help the transition to him choosing to be responsible (doing it without threat of a consequence) by letting him know how helpful he is being even when he doesn't want to do it.
When he doesn't clean the lunchbox, deliver the consequence:
Parent: "Jimmy, the lunchbox isn't cleaned out. Remember what we said?"
Jimmy: "No."
Parent: "Yes you do." (Kids have great memories.) "No computer time."
Jimmy: "WA-A!"
Parent: "Jimmy, my boy ... it was up to you. That's how consequences work. They happen because we (or I) said so. You're doing great, by the way. I just love you so much!"
Show your love or at least be dispassionate, and turn off the computer. He's learning, isn't he? And he's great, isn't he? And you do love him, don't you?
And when the lunchbox is clean, show your appreciation ... that is the best consequence a parent can give when a child helps out (much more meaningful than any reward!!).
Comment?
Reader Comments (2)
Good example; The idea of assigning jobs as opposed to asking, when you think a child should contribute. Though no-one but June Cleaver can be that even tempered with a kid's refusal on a regular basis. I agree that withholding love when a child fails in their responsibility is wrong. But it is not the same as with holding anger. Children don't whine and complain just once. They do it as a matter of course. We can and should be dispassionate as much as possible. Use humor when we can. But, you know, they need to see that there are limits to the amount of foot dragging and whining "bosses" can handle with grace. It's my thing that I am trying to impart with my three teens right now; get the job done without any fuss and you have been a real help, made a real contribution and you will get genuine appreciation.
Thank you for your comment! Yes, they will learn that there are limits to what others will tolerate, and that those limits vary from person to person. As parents, it works choose our limits and either be consistent or tell them when we change them. Regarding anger and love: It seems to me that most of us have learned that anger directed at us means one of two things: 1) that we are loved conditionally (conditional that we do what we are supposed to, for example), or 2) anger is merely a temporary interruption of the expression of an unconditional love, caused by an unmet expectation. I think it is useful for us and our children to get the latter. Good work on getting your teens to choose between fuss and no fuss and being sure they feel appreciated when they get their jobs done.