Tantrums 3: Before

 This sample conversation is not the answer to making a tantrum a learning opportunity but a piece of it.  The most important piece is how you view a tantrum, as discussed in Tantrums 1 & 2.  

Remember, a tantrum is a drama initiated by your child.  You either add to your child's script, or begin an alternative dramatic "story." This sample conversation (not lecture), before the next tantrum, is a new script and you are the author of it.  You can make it exciting.  One important tip: whenever you ask your child a question, wait for an answer, whether it is verbal or physical (nodding, smiling, frowning, crying - consider that these are all acceptable answers to your question).

Sometime when you have a few minutes with your child, Sarah (four years of age):

You smile and get down on the floor.  You look at Sarah for a few seconds.

You: Sarah, come sit with me for a few minutes, okay? (Open your lap and arms.)

Sarah looks at you and walks over to you. She sits in your lap or snuggles up to you, or sits next to you. (If she appears not interested, skip to the addendum at the end.)

You: "Thanks, sweetie."  You make eye contact.  "I love you, you know?"

Sarah is silent but present, or nods "Uh-huh."

You: "Remember yesterday when we were at the grocery store, and you wanted a candy bar?"

Sarah nods.  You continue. "I said, 'No' ... and then what happened?"

Sarah might smile and describe her reaction, or might not say anything - it depends on how open she feels she can be with you about it.  If she says, "Nothing ...", then you know she is not comfortable talking about it.  But don't back up, just say, "Well, it's okay that you did what you did ... I still love you." Now you, in a non-threatening way, just describe her behavior. For example:

You: "You grabbed a candy bar, and I grabbed your arm to take the candy bar out, and I said, 'NO!' And I think I was mad. What do you think?"