Tantrums 4: During

This is a continuation of three earlier posts, and those posts are essential to the way you do the following:

Once a tantrum is underway ...

1 - If you are upset, give yourself a good 30 seconds or more to allow your own upset to pass and longer if necessary.  Stop yourself from attempting to control your child (commanding or yelling for him to stop) as soon as you can.  When you do this in front of your child, you are role-modeling what self-control is all about.  If it is hard for you, then, in some quiet and close moment with your child later, you can tell him or her that you really know how hard it can be to stop being upset in the moment.  In fact, you can say, "Actually, sweetie, it works to let your feelings happen until they're done, and I know that is hard to do when I am upset too.  Maybe we can find a way to work together on this.  What do you think?" And then listen quietly.

2 - If you had a conversation about having a tantrum under this circumstance beforehand, then say, "John, remember you said you wouldn't have a tantrum the next time?" He may or may not hear you. Just because he's having a tantrum doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't hear you.  

3 - Assess the circumstance and take action, telling John what you are doing as you do it.  Remove him from a public situation quickly and with as little force as necessary (be as gentle yet firm as possible).  

4 - Restrain your child only to prevent injury, destruction of property, or her running away in public.  Tell her, "I will hold you until you calm yourself down." Rephrase it. "As soon as you stop kicking or trying to get away, I will let you go." Then add: "By the way, your tantrum doesn't work for me; nevertheless I love you and you can have the tantrum go as long as you want. I don't care. I'll be here holding you for as long as necessary."

5 - If you are at home or someplace where your child can continue the tantrum, either do nothing or do something unexpected.  For example, you could say: "Great tantrum, John.  Come let me know when you are done," and go about your business.  If he follows you or other is interfering with you or your work, say so.  Then ask, "Will you go to your room and do that?  It's not that its not a good tantrum, I just don't want to be around it.  I mean, would you if I did that?"  If John doesn't stop and listen, or doesn't respond to you, than tell him your are going to take him to his room, and do that if he continues.  If you want it to stop sooner, then, with all the sincerity you can muster, say, "Is that the best you can do? That's not very loud ... I know you can do that with much more energy!!"  Then add, "You are great, you know.  I love you, but I don't want to be around your tantrum.  You can come join me as soon as you are finished, okay?  Take your time, no rush."

Imagine doing this with great respect for your child. Then try it out.  This is not to make fun of or belittle his tantrum.  After all, likely he learned that from some nearby adult, yes?  

Note: As soon as your child gets that you mean what you just said (and nothing more), the tantrum will stop.  Your child will see that you mean it as you do what you said, and don't do or say anything else (no unnecessary force, no negotiating, no yelling or complaining, no bribing, no "punishing" attitude, no extra conversation, no taunting, and no guilt-tripping).  Pretend that you have nothing else to do but that (trust me, it will pay off).  The better acting job you do, the shorter the tantrum.

Attend to the messages you give with your body language and tone of voice.  A harsh and/or loud tone and an angry body language or gesture is an automatic response to a tantrum, albeit normal and common.

Our anger and yelling is drama to our young children.  As such, it is more desirable or interesting to them than when nothing happens.  Our getting upset about their tantrum is our tantrum in response to not getting the behavior we want from our child.