Tantrums- Part 2

If you haven't done so, be sure and read Part 1, and if you have any questions about that part, please e-mail me or ask in the Comments below the blog entry.

Our young children are drawn into the dramas of everyday living - just as you and I are.  A tantrum creates drama, getting our attention and then we play our part. (What we call "mis"-behavior is another way they get and maintain our attention via drama.)  Children learn to create drama very early - both by watching how we do it, and by experimenting (to see if they can do better!).  We misinterpret their "mis"-behavior, trivializing it, when we say, "Oh, s/he just wants my attention."  S/he usually is looking for way more than that, and may not know what specifically s/he is wanting.  But whatever, s/he must get our attention first.  The tantrum-drama is very effective: it gets everyone's attention and participation: yours, siblings, passers-by, other shoppers, etc. 

Our parenting job then is this: have our child learn that tantrums are not a viable way to get what s/he wants from us in the moment (other than our brief attention.  And if tantrums are persisting, then s/he has already learned that they they work in some way: we have either given our child what s/he has demanded or have not yet met some other below-the-surface inner need.

Once you adopt this view of what a tantrum is, and see your role in it, you can then begin to have tantrums become a very, very valuable opportunity for learning and practicing extraordinary social skills. After all, the toughest social moments we face as adults are when we or others are upset.

There are three time periods in which to have certain conversations to turn tantrums around:

1. before the next one,
2. when the next one happens, and
3. right after the next one is over.    

The next blog will be an example or two of possible conversations you can have with your young child before his or her next one - what works about them and what doesn't, what they mean, and what alternatives that will work better for both him or her and for you.

In the meantime: If a tantrum happens this week, smile at your child. No, really.  Do as little as necessary and do your best to ignore it, but what ever you feel you have to do, smile as you do it and don't say anything. Just keep watching what happens. (If you have to move or restrain your child, just say what you are going to do first, and use as little force as necessary.) If you do have the opportunity to try this, please share in a Comment!!

Yours, Marty