Why Parenting?  And Why Early?  

      "What we see in the crib is the greatest mind that has ever existed,   the most powerful learning machine in the universe."

         - Gopnik, Meltzoff, and Kuhl, The Scientist in the Crib, Harper-Collins, 1999

Why aren't all children wildly successful in school?  It is not because of a lack of intelligence or brain power.  And it's certainly not because the curriculum is too difficult. Nor is it because teachers aren't doing their best.  What role do we as parents play in this? Is there something you and I, as parents, can provide for our children? Yes.

My 30+ years of playing with young children, raising two children in partnership with my wife, studying early childhood and neuro-biology, and working with other families, has led me to the following three assertions:

1. The way  we parents talk and act with our children as well as what  we say to them, sets them up for some outcome, ranging from being wildly successful, or in deep confusion and self-doubt.  And, the most significant interactions happen between birth and age three. 

2. There is no right  way to do this thing called "parenting."  At any moment in time our family is either thriving or suffering with regard to many circumstances. Some things we do work, and some don't. We do the best we know how - always (though our "hindsight" always tells us otherwise!).

3. No matter what happened in our past, we can learn to see, and then leave, those old feelings, thoughts, and reactions "back there." We can then make a dramatic difference in our old routines, habitual feelings, and problematic actions and reactions in the present - creating a future based on strong and joyous relationships, open communication, and powerful partnerships.

At the heart of our own doubt and confusion in handling our children's behavior, are our "adopted" views on what should and shouldn't be said, done, or even thought, and then acting as if it were our job is to "teach" those to our children.  While this can result in many acceptable and useful learning opportunities, it also results in causing most of the behavioral and relational issues we encounter later.  Learning to undo these "inadvertent teachings" is simple, using some new understandings and information.

At the heart of "wildly successful parenting" is listening to one's heart, imagining what is possible, and then talking with our children about that, about life, about what is really important to us, even with our very young children, and starting now.

Parenting is part science: There are now studies that confirm that our early conversational and physical interactions with our children affect not only their health and well-being, but also their future "performance," and thus the future of our environment: personal, social, local and global.  Our young children are scientists themselves in every sense of the word, learning what behaviors cause what responses. Whether they are learning from us or not is not the question. The question is, what are they learning from us? How does that learning affect their sense of self, their relationships, and their success in life?

Parenting is part art: As parents, we tend to be looking for the "right" parenting technique rather than finding our true expression, our intuition. So we read and listen and try all the things we have learned. It is challenging to do anything else but that, as all of our schooling has been about getting the right answers and avoiding mistakes. Our own learning process gets stunted, even in our parenting. What we forget is that every new action a human being takes starts out as an exploration, a "what happens when I do X?"  Learning stops when exploration stops.

We could look at parenting as a kind of storytelling. What is the story you are telling (saying and living) about yourself, your parenting, your child, your family? Where is there predictability in your story? That is, are you telling an old story you've heard and told over and over? Is it boring or adventurous? What new chapter would you write about your parenting if you knew you were the author of it already?

The famous American artist, Georgia O’Keefe, set aside every technique she was taught in art school and began developing her own way before she was successful. As with a painting, our actions as parents can be the brushstrokes creating the patterns and textures of our family, a studio in which the artistry of parenting thrives. If we approach parenting as a creative activity, it becomes safe to ask: do we want what we see and feel and hear? We can talk about this with the other 'artists' we live with. What do they want - no matter what their age or experience may be? Don't they really want the same overall outcome, both now and later, that you and I want? Hint: Yes, thus ... the full expression of our family is a cooperative mural.

Parenting is about partnership: Any workable and rewarding solution to any behavioral problem, including learning to excel at anything, in or out of school, is born in an open dialogue between you, your child, and your community.  Your family, when you make it that way, can be the safest place to practice having powerful relational dialogues, making results real, and gaining mastery. 

Parenting is and will continue to be challenging.  And of course it works to set limits and be in charge. But those may just be small pieces of the whole learning opportunity that parenting can be and provide. I invite you to be curious about the possibilities.  Explore my blog posts and other resources at this site.  Play with any new or intriguing ideas you discover. Your ever creative and evolving heart/mind will add them to your palette, opening new doors whenever you are confronted by resistance and frustration.  Read the book, Beyond Good Parenting (for pre-ordering information, get on my mailing list).  Finally, I also invite you to: Participate.  Post a comment or ask a question on a blog post.